* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 

* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? 

* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 

* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? 

* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 

* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? 

* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 

* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? 

* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 

* If you throw your pet cat out your car window would that be called CAT LITTER? 

* If you choke a Smurf, What color would it turn? 

* Corn oil is made from corn, olive oil comes from olives, so what is Baby Oil made of? 

* Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?
  
* If you have and open mind is there a chance you brains might fall out?
  
* If you don't repair your brakes right away, should you make your horn louder?
  
* Was the only reason god gave us a shin is to find furniture in the dark?
  
* How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
  
* Is laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor?
  
* Why don't more psychics win the lottery?
  
* Will wearing short sleeves shirt show your support for the right to bare arms?
  
* If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second...then what is the speed of dark?
  
* How many turtle ears do they use to get one can of Turtle Wax?
  
* If a man had a tail would it be illegal to leave it out or would you have to tuck it in?
  
* What is Mother Gooses real first name?
  
* What does Don King's hair looks like when he gets up in the morning?
  
* Hydroponic gardening....How do you now when you're done watering?...How do you find a fertelizer that doesn't float?

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Actual Bumper Stickers!!!

* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

* If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
  Assimilated.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* Born free... taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball
  peen hammer.

* There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.

* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face
  cancer.

* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

* If, a two letter word for futility

* I don't care, I don't have to.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

* To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* All men are idiots ... I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

* Give pizza chants.

* Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

* This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

* How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

* If something goes without saying, LET IT!

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

* IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.

* Life's a buffet... so eat me!

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

* I love cats ... dead ones

* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
  schools.

* Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

* Hang up and drive.

* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not
  screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Tow-ers will be violated

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

* Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Meat is yummy!

* Mean people rule!

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* Born again pagan.

* God must love stupid people, he made so many.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* So many recipes, so few cats.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
  vegetarian.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

* There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.

* Save a mouse... Eat pussy!

* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
  like the IRS.

* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* Wink, I'll do the rest!

* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* When there's a will, I want to be in it!

* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

* I love animals...they're delicious.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
  meat?

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
  students!

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn
  Signal !

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of
  yourself.

* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill
  your drink.

* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.

* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.

* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
  happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* I souport publik edekasion

* hoket on foniks werked fur me

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
  can find a rock.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
  subatomic particles.

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

* A penguin can swim a lot faster than a salmon.
 
* The "cycle" in "bicycle" and "tricycle" rhymes with "pickle," but the
"cycle" in "motorcycle" and "unicycle" rhymes with "Michael."  Explain
that.

~~~~~

These are actual phrases from Officer Effieciency Reports (performance
appraisal for the military officers).
 

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
 
"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deslection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his body to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


~~~~~

Random Funnies:

<> Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California ...... WAS HIS

<> Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills..... Making the
      last car payment.

<> The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better
      during the week.

<> If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

<> Quote from the boss:  "I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I
      was going to blame it on you."

<> If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take
      a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

~~~~~

FUNNY SIGNS
 
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
 
Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak
 
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
 
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action
 
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push"
 
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.
 
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place.
 
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
 
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
 
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
 
Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs
 
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
 
Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
 
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car
payment
 
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
 
Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"
 
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you
 
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
 
Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here
 
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just
left.
 
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
 
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
 
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
 
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
 
Computer STore: "Out for a quick byte"
 
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up.
 
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
 
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want.
 
Music Library: Bach in a minuet