Misc. Jokes

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "got any grapes?" and the bartender says no. The next day, the duck comes in and asks "Got any grapes?" again. The bartender says no. The next day, the duck comes in again, asking the same question. This time, in reply, the bartender says "If you ask me if I have grapes one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck returns the next day and says "Got any nails?" the bartender says no. Then the duck asks another question: "Got any grapes?" 


A guy is driving along the road when he hits a rabbit. He gets out of his car and gets a bottle out of his trunk. He pours it on the rabbit and drives away, throwing the bottle on the side of the road. Meanwhile, an old man is on his front porch watching this. The rabbit gets up and waves. The old man is astonished. The rabbit still is standing, waving to the old man. The old man walks over to the bottle on the side of the road, and reads it. It says "Permenent 'Hair' Wave". 


An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to be young and beautiful. Poof! She was young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" 


A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around." 

4 guys had a Chem test on Mon. They would've studied but partied all weekend long. They all decided to skip the test and retake it Tues. 

When they went to class, they told the professor that they had a flat tire and couldn't get back in time for the test. Luckily, the professor was leaniant and said"OK,come back this afternoon to retake it" 

When all 4 get there, it is a 2 page test. The first is a stoichometry problem worth 5 pts. The other question worth 95 pts. was: 

"Which tire was it?" 



  "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
     -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

  "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find
   my clothes."
     -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
       he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

  "You guys line up alphabetically by height"
     -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

  "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests
   don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff
   I haven't been through in school."
    -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
      because of academic requirements

  "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT
   to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and
   from class"
    -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

  "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
   for three years, not Princeton."
    -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
      promoter Don King

  "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
    -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
      his visit to Greece

  "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to
   see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra

  "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
   -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
   like Norman Einstein."
     -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann


 ....You walk into a room, and finding that it has more then 23
 people, you inform the management that there is an error.
 ....You find yourself tilting your head when you smile. 
 ....Your AOL bill is more than your phone bill.
 ....When laughing, you find yourself saying "LOL" outloud.
 ....You get more e-mail than snail mail.
 ....When introducing yourself to anyone, you use your screen name.
 ....You understand what BIM, BIF, ISO, M4M, or F4F means.
 ....You are no longer afraid of a mouse.
 ....You're awake for a lot of sunrises.
 ....You are a male and see a female in the "real" world that you wish
 to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
 ....You are a female and see a male in the "real" world that you wish
 to meet, your first thought is that you wish he would IM you.
 ....You don't understand the humor in the above-mentioned item, since
 the "real" world is not at your fingertips.
 ....When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is
 wishing they would be on AOL so you wouldn't have to meet them in
 ....When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
 transmitted diseases.
 ....You go up to people you are attracted to and ask for their GIF.
 ....Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely
 jealous of people that are hitting on your cyber-love.
 ....You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
 ....The only way that your child can get your attention is by:
 a) Standing in front of your screen
 b) IM'ing you
 c) telling you that Steve Case is calling you on the phone
 ....When your spouse is mad at you, they threaten to erase your
 e-mail, and you humbly, earnestly, and quickly beg for forgiveness.
 ....When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the letter
 "i" should be capitalized.
 ....When going on a job interview and asked if you have any questions
 about the company, your first response is to ask if they are on AOL.
 ....When looking at signs, you wonder why they're always yelling at
 ....When leaving to go to the bathroom, you find yourself saying,
 ....When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile.  If they have
 none, you ask for an age\sex\location check.
 ....Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your
 sleep instead of talking.
 ....You dream in text.
 ....Tech support calls YOU for help!
 ....You watch TV with the sound off and the close-captioning on.
 ....You double-click your remote.
 ....You beg your friends to go online so you can "hang out".
 ....You've gotten on a plane to meet someone face to face
 ....You've met over a 100 AOLers.
 ....You have over 100 people on your buddy list.
 ....You sign on and immediately get ten IMs from people that have you
 on their buddy lists.
 ....You meet people face to face, and you don't know their real
 ....You've known people for years, and you don't know their real
 ....You've typed, "Drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone." 
 ....You have a vanity tag with your screenname on it. ...You no longer
 use capital letter, proper punctuation, or complete sentences.
 ....You type over 70 WPM.
 ....You type faster than you think
 ....Three words:  Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
 ....When someone asks, "What did you say?"  You respond, "Scroll up!"
 ....You have an identity crisis when someone uses a screenname
 similar to yours.
 ....You change screennames so much that you have to check your
 profile to figure out who you are.
 ....You've invited ten or more strangers to your house only because
 they were cool online.
 ....You have a second line just for you computer.
 ....You type messages to people while you're speaking with on the
 phone at the same time.
 ....You smile sideways.
 ....You spend at least 30  minutes making sure you say goodbye to
 everyone before signing off.
 ....You bring a bag lunch to your computer.
 ....You go through AOL withdrawal during dinner.
 ....You wake up and your first instinct is to go online before having
 a cup of coffee.
 ....You use AOL lingo in your "real" life (if you still have one)
 ....You stop using whole words like BRB, TTYL, dunno, gotta, etc...
 ....You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing
 therapy in private rooms instead of his/her office.
 ....When you die, you want your computer buried with you -- or vice
 ....Being called a "Newbie" is a MAJOR insult. 
 ....There's absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you are
 really bored -- yet you don't want to leave in case you miss
 ....You enjoy being called an AOL addict.
 ....You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have
 committed them yourself.  

At The Superbowl...
 Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
 Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat
 is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to
 the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
 quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
 50 yard line.  He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
 the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
 As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
 me, is anyone sitting here?"
 The man said "no".
 Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
 man next to him, "This is incredible!  Who in their right mind would
 have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
 The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
 supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the
 first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
 "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
 someone to take the seat?  A relative or a close friend?"
 "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


College Courses For Both Men & Women

TO:       Men
FROM:     Women
RE:       Becoming a Real Man

Dear Men,

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of
 you should be interested in:  BECOMING A REAL MAN.  That's right, in
just six quarters you, too, can be a real man.  Please take a moment to
look over the program outline.


 MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
 MEN 102     You Too Can Do Housework
 MEN 103     PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
 MEN 104     We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

 MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
 MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at
 MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
 MEN 113     Get a Life, Learn to Cook

 MEN 120     How NOT To Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong
 MEN 121     Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122     YOU,
 the Weaker Sex
 MEN 123     Reasons to Give Flowers


 SEX 101     You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
 SEX 102     Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower 
 MEN 201     How to Stay Awake After Sex
 MEN 202     How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

 MEN 210     The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
 MEN 211     How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
 MEN 212     You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
 MEN 213     Honest- You Don't Look Like Russel Wong- 
Especially Naked

 MEN 220     Omitting @#%^^&*! From Your Vocabulary
 MEN 221     Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
 MEN 222     Real Men Ask for Directions
 MEN 223     Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered 

Subj.: Overcoming Intolerableness
Dear Women:

A new two year degree has been developed to accompany the one outlined
above. In the same amount of time it takes to become a real man, you
too can learn how to be bearable, in spite of your natural instincts. 
 Look at the degree requirements below.


Women 101 - Overcoming the Falacious Assumption that You're Never
 Women 102 - How NOT to Act Like An Asshole When You're Right: 
Avoiding the   "I Told You  So" Whine
 Women 103 - Housework, You Knew It Was Part of the Deal When You 
Walked In
 Women 104 - PMS - No, We DON'T Just Have to Put Up With It: 
 Learning NOT to Indulge  Your  Bad Moods
 Women 105 - How to Wait for 
Another Person to Finish Speaking Before You Start Talking

Women 110 -  If It's Your Plan To "Change Him", Don't Marry Him.  A
Conceptual Approach to Marrying For Valid Reasons
 Women 111 - Christmas & Birthdays:  Avoiding the Power Tool Default 
 Women 112- Stereotypical Assumptions Concerning Male Behaviors 
and Motivations:  The  Fallacy of Women's Magazine Articles and the 
"Experts" Who Write Them
 Women 113 - The Interpersonal Interaction Laboratory: Don"t Ask For 
"the Truth", When  What  You Really Want Is Agreement
 Women 114 - How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

Women 120 - Get A Life: Your Girlfriends Don't Have the Answer
Women 121 - Thinking For Yourself:  You Don't Really Need An Opinion
 From Ten Other  Know-It-All Women Before Making A Decision
 Women 122 - The "Best Friend" Problem: She Doesn't Need to Know 
Every Detail of Our  Relationship, And She DOES NOT Have Input to the 
Marriage - A Mixed-Gender  Seminar Focusing On Privacy Issues and the 
Betrayal of Trust
 Women 123 - Soap Operas:  Not  A Mirror of Reality 
Women 124 -Learning to Understand and Accept That We Aren't Required 
to Adhere to Decisions Your Mother Makes.


Sex 101 -          You CAN Learn To Stop Using It As A Weapon
Sex 102 -          The Role of Sex in Marriage.  If We Don't Get It
Here, It's a) Grounds For Divorce,   b) O.K. To Get It Elsewhere
Sex 103 -         How To Participate in the Sexual Act - If It Was
Enjoyable Before We Were  Married, Why Is It Dirty & "Immature" Now? 
A Series of Discussions On the Nature of Honesty in Relationships
Sex 104 -          Foreplay: The Two-Way Street with No Stop Signs

Women 210 - Admonishment and Rebuke: The Death of Love
Women 211 - High Horses: How to Avoid Getting Up On One
Women 212 - Timliness:  Stifling Your Contempt For It
Women 213 - Parenting: Nine Months of a Natural, Biologic Process Does
Not Qualify You As An Infallible Expert 
Women 214 - Feminist Rhetoric: Yes, You're An Equal, Now Give It A 

Women 220 - Eliminating "Can't You Ever Do Anything Right?" From Your
Women 221 - Getting Over the Pain of Knowing That Sometimes, We're 
Just Not Thinking  About You Women 222 - Saying What You REALLY Mean: 
 The End of Game-Playing 
Women 223 -Emotional Blackmail: A Twelve Step Program For Kicking the 
Women 224 -Understanding the Male Response to Emotional 


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major
status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this
and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she
realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she
asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was
handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails,
he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a
little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't
it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He
went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and
the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were
at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing
around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and
passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and
exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his
clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the
door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been
all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he
looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're
almost there!"

 1.  Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4:00 and
     then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 2.  If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten
     minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.

 3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It
     gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
     open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a
     paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

 5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
     the priority.  Let me guess.

 6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I like the office and really have
     nowhere to go or anything to do.

 7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  Leaks like that
     could cost me a promotion.

 8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be
     popular in conversation.

 9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
     down.  In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  When you refer to
     them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
     change your life.

12.  Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it's
     nice to know someone is less fortunate.


Beauty is only a light switch away.
         Perkins Library,  Duke University,  Durham, NC
 I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
         Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
 Amendment 2 and OCA, soon you will be DOA.
         On a tombstone used as part of a Halloween display, Hamburger
         Mary's, Seattle, WA
 If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
 all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
         Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
 If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for
         Smoky Joe's., Philadelphia, PA
 Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
         Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
 Beware of limbo dancers.
         On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad
         Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis, IN
 Rome wasn't built in a day.  That's because it was a government job.
         Women's Restroom, City View Tavern, Cincinnati, OH
 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
        Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont.  Burlington, VT
 Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.
         Blueberry Hill, St. Louis, MO
 Flush twice - It's a long way to the kitchen.
         Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria
         University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
 God made pot.
 Man made beer.
 Who do you trust?
         The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
         The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA
 No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
 putting up with her shit.
         Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
 To do is to be.  Descartes
 To be is to do.  Voltaire
 Do be do be do.  Frank Sinatra
         Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
 At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
         Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
 If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
 	On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
 	O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
 Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw.  Stick with Nixon.
         Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
 Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until
 everything between us is over (completely).  Please remember I love
         On dollar bill F602225237.
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
         Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
 Make love, not war.
 Hell, do both, get married!
         Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
 God is dead.
 Nietzsche is dead.
         The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
 A word in the mouth is worth two from George Bush.
 I don't understand.
 That's okay, Dan.
         H.L. Mencken's Cultured Pearl Restaurant and Bar, Baltimore,
 If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
         Revolution Books, New York, NY
 This bubble gum tastes like rubber.
 Yeah, but it lasts a long time.
 And it blows great bubbles.
         Condom machine, Missoula, MT
 A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going
 to have trouble with it.
         Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
 But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
        Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
 Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
         Port O'John, Acadia National Park, ME
 If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
         Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
 Bill Clinton threw up here.
         The Oyster Bar, Little Rock, AR
 LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
         Men's restroom, The 400 bar, Minneapolis, MN
 I used to be into sadistic bestial necrophilia and... but then I
 realized I was just beating a dead horse.
         The Cellar Restaurant, Blacksburg, VA
 If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.
         Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
 Why do drunk men miss the toilet?
 Why do sober men?
          South Main Cafe, Blacksburg, VA
 What are you looking up on the wall for?  The joke is in your hands.
          Men's restroom Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
 Hey Nike, I just did it!
          Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

You've been online too long if...
 1. You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's 
 new E-Mail address.
 2. You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it  
 at 28,800 BPS.
 3. You try to download chips and beer for the movie.
 4. All the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.
 5. You hide the phone or ISP bill from the spouse because you may have
  to sell the family car to pay it.
 6. You start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to
 7. The kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only and you call 
  your pet dog Gopher.
 8. The pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used to 
  be the meatloaf.
 9. You try to pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.
 10. You've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water
 you've  come in contact with is in the glass next to you.
 11. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
 12. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
 13. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you
 14. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
 your    significant other.
 15. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
 16. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
 17. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you
 wish   to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
 18. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you
   wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
 19. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8
 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
 20. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
 21. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
 transmitted diseases.
 22. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 
 23 people,  you inform management that there is an error.
 23. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at
 24. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask
 them for their GIF.
 25. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
 26. You know what a "snert" is.
 27. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you
 wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see 
 who was online".
 28. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their 
 real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
 29. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks
 30. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is
 wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
 31. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
 32. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
 complete sentences.
 33. You have met over 100 AOLers.
 34. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have
 a  profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
 35. You understand the humor in all of this.
 36. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
 37. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for
  you, and think they can.
 38. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL
 39. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say
 "BRB" or "BBL".
 40. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail
 41. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
 42. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to
 everyone in a room.
 43. You stop speaking in full sentences.
 44. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up
 "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
 45. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on 
  their buddy list.
 46. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark
 where   people are you have met.
 47. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your
 ignore  button handy.
 48. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
 49. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and
   you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv."
 50. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for
 more  than a few hours.
 51. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
 52. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get
  this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
 53. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get
 online  before you have your first cup of coffee.
 54. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
 55. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
 56. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come
 home  from work.
 57. You don't know where the time has gone.
 58. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters
 by   hand.
 59. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you
 have had.
 60. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
 61. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
 62. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
 63. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
 64. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n
 & I  will TTYL".
 65. You type faster than you think.
 66. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now
 undergoing  therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
 67. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice
 68. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
 69. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that
 scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
 70. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes
 and   fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
 71. You dream in "text".
 72. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
 73. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're
 really  bored.
 74. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
 75. You double click your TV remote.
 76. You can now type over 70 wpm.
 77. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life". 


As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........ Mess It Up. 
 Better Be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.
 Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.
 It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time. 
 Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.
 You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How? 
 Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty. 
 No News Is........ Impossible.
 A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.
 You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.
 If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The 
 Love All, Trust........ Me
 The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.
 An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax. 
 Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.
 Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents! 
 A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.
 Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.
 Don't Put Off Tomorrow What........ You Put On To Go To Bed.
 Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To
 Blow Your Nose.
 None Are So Blind As........ Helen Keller.
 Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded. 
 If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.
 You Get Out Of Something What You........ See Pictured On The 
 When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.
 There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Eddie. 


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