Guy Jokes

A woman divorced her husband, and he was making a lot of money. She was upset, and a fairy came down to her. She said that she would grant the woman 3 wishes, but for every wish she wished, the man would get 5 times as much. So the woman wished for a mansion, therefore the man received 5 mansions. The woman wished for 10 million dollars, so the man got 50 million dollars. Then the woman thought about her last wish. Then she made up her mind. The fairy asked, "What do you wish for. This is your last wish." The woman smirked and said: "I wish to give birth to twins." 


Top ten things you'll never hear one guy say to another guy: 
 #1.  Does my butt look fat in this? 
 #2.  I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis? 
 #3.  I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth! 
 #4.  Yours is bigger than mine.
 #5.  I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous. 
 #6.  There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, 
 watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby
 and then suffers miserably.
 #7.  Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful 
 with them!

 #8.  You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance 
 #9.  I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless. 
 #10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's 
 the important thing.


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
  A: Trustworthy.
  Q: Why are men like commercials?
  A: You can't believe a word they say.
  Q: Why are men like popcorn?
  A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
  A: Sex.
  Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? A:
  When the power goes off.
  Q: What do men and women have in common?
  A: They both distrust men.
  Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
       guilt gifts?
  A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
  Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
  A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
  Q: How is a man like the weather?
  A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
  Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
  A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
       the other is giving birth.
  Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
       single 40-year-old man?
  A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man
       thinks often about dating them.
  Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
       hunger.  What do men dream of?
  A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
  Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
  A: Slow.
  Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
  A: They're married.
  Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
  A: An insurance company.
  Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
  A: Because they don't have any.
  Q: How are men like noodles?
  A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
  Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
  A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
  Q: Why is food better than men?
  A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
  Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
  A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or
       5000 miles, whichever came first.
  Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
  A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
  Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
  A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for
  Q: How do you grow your own dope?
  A: Plant a man.
  Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
  A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and
       second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies
       about it.
  Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
  A: He moved there.
  Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
  A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.
  Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
  A: Put the remote control between his toes
  Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
  A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
  Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
  A: Take your foot off his head
  Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
  A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
  Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
  A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!
  Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will
       ask for directions.
  Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
  A: He's breathing
  Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
  A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
  Q: What do men consider foreplay?
  A: Half an hour of begging
  Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
  A: Who cares???
  Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  A: 1. No mind.
    2. No business.
  Q: If men got pregnant....
  A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and
  Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
       and good-looking?
  A: Because they already have boyfriends.
  Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  A: He had it bronzed.
  Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  A: Two ways to cross a river.
  Q: What is gross stupidity?
  A: 144 men in one room.
  Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A: A padded headboard.
  Q: How do men sort their laundry?
  A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
  Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
  A: Whistle through its pecker!
  Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
     do the dishes?
  A: Both of them.
  Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
  A: A sex-change operation.
  Q: Why did the man cross the road?
  A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
  Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
  A: Because men fake foreplay!
  Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
  A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
  Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
  A: Who has the time?
  Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
  A: They won't stop to ask directions!
  Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
  A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
  Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
  A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands
     end up playing with them!
  Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand? A: A
  man's undivided attention.
  Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
  A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
  Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
  A: His brains fall out.


At The Superbowl...
 Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
 Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat
 is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to
 the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
 quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
 50 yard line.  He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
 the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
 As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
 me, is anyone sitting here?"
 The man said "no".
 Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
 man next to him, "This is incredible!  Who in their right mind would
 have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
 The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
 supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the
 first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
 "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
 someone to take the seat?  A relative or a close friend?"
 "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


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